I am …

Life is confusing. Your 20’s are confusing.
Or maybe I am just confused.

I love life, but it annoys me at times. So bare with me; I’ll make sense sometime later on.
Basically, I enjoy spending time with my friends, being alone, doing the things I love and walking around the city I really genuinely love. I do all these things regularly, but I don’t feel fulfilled or happy.

Two years ago, I felt like I was finally in touch with myself, and I felt amazing. I was super happy, confident and just in love with my life and myself. Now, on the other hand, I feel blah. I don’t love or maybe even like myself – although I haven’t really changed. But, of course, circumstances have changed, and my body has changed numerous times – from losing and gaining weight on repeat.

I am not satisfied with myself. Therefore, I have a hard time supporting and uplifting the people around me, which ultimately gives me the greatest joy. (sounds like I should have become a therapist after all). Anyway. I want to be myself again. I want to feel like myself again. I want to love myself again.

I know self-love is a journey been there done that. But I didn’t believe or dared to even think that I could lose the love for myself. I fell out of love with myself, which, let me tell you – sucks. I’d like to say of myself that I’m very self-aware -which I still believe I am. However, I don’t understand how I could be self-aware and yet still go down this road of falling “out of love” with myself. I’m not sure how it happened. I do have a few ideas which I’m not going to share publicly because that is a very personal issue, but let’s move on. Maybe the point is not to focus on how I got here but instead just get myself the fuck out of here. sighs out of relief

Alright, well, how am I going to do it? I don’t fucking know. It’s not that I have neglected my passions, so I can’t just pick those up and tadaa, and I’ll be happy again. No. I’ll have to dig deeper than that. I want to be joyful, I really do, but I have no motivation to “dig deeper”. Because let’s be honest, that sounds like a lot of work.

I’m going, to be honest with you. (Like I haven’t been honest with you this whole post, but whatever). I am in a toxic place, not physically but most definitely mentally. I keep reminiscing like a boomer on” the good old days”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s OK to do so in a sense, but I should probably just do something about the days that are happening right now instead of dwelling in the past. Because let’s be real, that’s just a huge waste of my time.

So I guess I’m going to start trying new things, new experiences, challenges and whatever. Hopefully, one of them will get me back to the place of self-love I so desperately grave.

I am 21. I am not old. I am not super young. I am not experienced. I am not inexperienced. I am just confused.