I am …

Life is confusing. Your 20’s are confusing.
Or maybe I am just confused.

I love life, but it annoys me at times. So bare with me; I’ll make sense sometime later on.
Basically, I enjoy spending time with my friends, being alone, doing the things I love and walking around the city I really genuinely love. I do all these things regularly, but I don’t feel fulfilled or happy.

Two years ago, I felt like I was finally in touch with myself, and I felt amazing. I was super happy, confident and just in love with my life and myself. Now, on the other hand, I feel blah. I don’t love or maybe even like myself – although I haven’t really changed. But, of course, circumstances have changed, and my body has changed numerous times – from losing and gaining weight on repeat.

I am not satisfied with myself. Therefore, I have a hard time supporting and uplifting the people around me, which ultimately gives me the greatest joy. (sounds like I should have become a therapist after all). Anyway. I want to be myself again. I want to feel like myself again. I want to love myself again.

I know self-love is a journey been there done that. But I didn’t believe or dared to even think that I could lose the love for myself. I fell out of love with myself, which, let me tell you – sucks. I’d like to say of myself that I’m very self-aware -which I still believe I am. However, I don’t understand how I could be self-aware and yet still go down this road of falling “out of love” with myself. I’m not sure how it happened. I do have a few ideas which I’m not going to share publicly because that is a very personal issue, but let’s move on. Maybe the point is not to focus on how I got here but instead just get myself the fuck out of here. sighs out of relief

Alright, well, how am I going to do it? I don’t fucking know. It’s not that I have neglected my passions, so I can’t just pick those up and tadaa, and I’ll be happy again. No. I’ll have to dig deeper than that. I want to be joyful, I really do, but I have no motivation to “dig deeper”. Because let’s be honest, that sounds like a lot of work.

I’m going, to be honest with you. (Like I haven’t been honest with you this whole post, but whatever). I am in a toxic place, not physically but most definitely mentally. I keep reminiscing like a boomer on” the good old days”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s OK to do so in a sense, but I should probably just do something about the days that are happening right now instead of dwelling in the past. Because let’s be real, that’s just a huge waste of my time.

So I guess I’m going to start trying new things, new experiences, challenges and whatever. Hopefully, one of them will get me back to the place of self-love I so desperately grave.

I am 21. I am not old. I am not super young. I am not experienced. I am not inexperienced. I am just confused.

WOMEN

If you wanna hear what I have to say but don’t want to read it this post is now available as a podcast episode: https://open.spotify.com/show/5pP5lIQD962EdtqikcHeCc

Happy belated international women’s day!

I think it’s clear that we, as women, are all still struggling. No matter what we do, no matter what we say, it is never as good as something a man says or does. Just yesterday, I had a somewhat awkward situation with a so-called man. First things first, I’d like to clarify that not all men are stupid and disrespectful towards women. Anyway, back to my unpleasant experience. 

We’ve all encountered them before people on the street who are trying to make you donate to a charity. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against them – at all. Of course, they can be rather annoying with their persistence, but that’s not the point today. So this guy ran over from across the street to talk to me. (side note I was wearing earphones; don’t stop someone if they’re wearing headphones) I’m relatively nice, so I stopped and told him that I was already approached by one of them and told him, “no, sorry, not today”. Usually, that works, and they just wish me a nice day and move on – not this time. He was very persistent and tried to still convince me, which I understand’s his job, but then this happened. As always, I was asked, “Are you even over 20?”. By my mistake, I said yes. As soon as I said that, he moved in front of me, looked me up and down and said: “no, you’re not”. Once again, I said, “yes, I am.” (hoping that he would leave me alone, but no). He just repeated himself and was like, “no, you’re not”. Trust me, I get how it’s supposed to be flattering if someone tells you that you look younger than you are, but that’s not how you do it. The way he did it – it was just to objectify me.

It doesn’t stop there, my friends. After repeatedly saying that I’m not interested in donating, he just asked me another question – “What do you study?”. Again another mistake of mine – I responded instead of just walking away. So I answered with “Business Management”, and he was like “, Oh, I am sorry that it must be hard for you”. It was obvious that he was insinuating that it was hard for me because I am a woman. To his surprise, I disagreed with him. At this point, I was getting severely annoyed. No one tells me how being a female affects my work negatively – no one. 

So I looked him right into his eyes and said, “That’s not how you make a sale”. It was clear that he was not used to a woman disagreeing with him. He started stuttering and said, “I know, but I still do it”. After that, I just walked away. It took me way too long to get out of this unpleasant “conversation”. Keep in mind, the conversation was only about 90 seconds long.

The further I was walking, the madder I got. Not just with him also with myself. I could have put him in his place and educate him about his unacceptable behaviour, but I didn’t. I didn’t do it for two reasons. First of all, I was kind of in shock by his audacity. Because of that, I couldn’t think straight and wouldn’t have communicated it clearly to him. On the other hand, I didn’t want to involve myself any more; it was enough for me. 

I’m sure he’s still out asking for donations, so I decided to ask for his superior and report him if I see him again. A tip to all women ask for the full name and organisation they’re working for before you leave – learn from my mistake. To be honest, although I’d love to personally teach him a lesson, I don’t think it would have a significant impact on him. I’m very aware that sometimes the “superior” method doesn’t work either, but it will still have a more significant effect on him. 

Unfortunately, this is just one of many discriminating and sexist experiences that I have. I’ll share a few more in the future. If you have similar experiences, please do reach out and share them. We can all women AND men learn something from other peoples experiences. 

Especially now, I think we must keep the conversation going so men (guilty or not) are aware of their actions and how they affect us women daily. 

If you would like to share your story message on Instagram @anitaklos_ or send me an e-mail at anitaklos@gmx.at. Don’t be shy; your name can be kept anonymous, and I will only share it publicly if you want to. 

IG: @designartanita

I hope you’re all fine, healthy and safe (from covid and men).

Anita

Time for an Update

It’s been a while. The last year has been one hell of a ride. Strangely enough, it has felt like five years in one but nevertheless very short. Nothing exhilarating happened while on the other hand so much has happened. It was and is a confusing time for all of us. For now, I just want to share what happened in my life since Covid-19 came about. 

Like many, I made fun of Corona and how people apparently didn’t know how to wash their hands. “It’s like having the flu – no big deal.” At this point, I’m not sure if we’re using humour to avoid the topic or if we’re serious. February was an awkward time we knew the virus was out and about, but we tried to live our lives to the fullest. The feeling of lockdown approaching was getting more serious every day, and then the day came. Game over. No more going out and seeing your friends. At first, I was hopeful that it wouldn’t last long and that we could have our lives back by May or so. Therefore, I wasn’t super upset about the situation. Anyway, I tried to make the best out of it. I called my friends every other day, worked out, went for walks, drew and read a lot. 

Day before moving

After a couple of weeks, it was clear that Corona would stick around for much longer than anticipated. At that point, I was still living with my host family, who I love very dearly, but as time passed the urge to move-out got bigger. So I made the decision to move out during the pandemic. It was quite the experience with online viewings and etc. I was really pumped once I found a house share and was ready to move. So at the beginning of June, I moved out. Although saying goodbye wasn’t easy, I was really excited – I was full of adrenaline. It felt good to be around people my age and not kids or middle-aged adults. After months of suspense, I could finally hug my friends again. It felt like I could finally, take a deep breath again. 

A few weeks later I flew back to Austria to visit my family, who I haven’t seen for seven months due to the pandemic. I felt so relieved when I saw my whole family happy and healthy (felt kind of magical). 

I have to admit the pandemic did have one significant side effect. If it wouldn’t have been for the lockdown my now boyfriend and I would have probably beat around the bush for a few more months. It “forced” us to spend more time with each other, and we ultimately couldn’t escape one another anymore. So during the summer months, we spent a lot of days just going on walks and enjoying the mild English sun. We both didn’t really have a plan since no matter what plan you made, it got cancelled anyway. 

In October I started studying at university (again). However, a much more interesting event occurred in the same month. Unfortunately, my grandma got sick (she’s fine now, dw). Hence I decided to go back to Austria for a few months, and to my surprise, Marlon (my boyfriend) was ready to come with me. For the last few months, we’ve been living in Austria figuring out what we’ll do once we go back to the UK. 

To be honest, I had a hard time staying positive in the second and third lockdown. Although everything was fine with my family and friends, I was and still am struggling. The end of Corona is unknown, what I’ll do once I’m back in the UK is unknown. The great unknown took a toll on me. At the moment, I am trying to take everything in one day at a time. (journaling really helps) One of my goals for this year is to be more patient with myself and giving myself more time to make decisions, so cheers to a thoughtful year (or something like that). I am actually looking forward to 2021 because I’m sure even with the virus around it will still be amazing and filled with unusual experiences.  

I hope you’re all happy and healthy (including your mental health)

Anita

Btw if you’re curious I also started an etsy shop just in case you want to take a look:

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/DesignArtAnita?ref=seller-platform-mcnav

learning

Hello and welcome! Take a seat – enjoy.

Two and half weeks later and I’m back. To be honest I wanted to post the part 2 of my series of “Body image & self-love”. But I simply wasn’t satisfied with it so I’m still working on it. Nevertheless here is a new post.

Somewhat of a random blog post but an important one. Little background story: over the last months, I’ve met some many people in their gap year or people who decided to start working instead of studying. To my surprise, a lot of them said that they miss learning. You’re probably thinking “how the hell could someone miss learning – it’s just annoying”. That wasn’t at all what I was considering. That wasn’t the reason why I was in “shock”. 

I couldn’t believe that someone could miss learning although they’re living in a different country, where the national language wasn’t their mother tongue. I was thinking to myself, are these people walking with closed eyes and ears shut through their lives? Especially in a capital like London, it’s unlikely not to learn anything. Around every corner, you can spot a different culture which is as rich as the Queen herself. A walk around Shoreditch and you’ll meet so many unbelievably talented and creative people who will love to share their experience with you. All it takes is a bit of courage to go up to them and ask them. Even most street performers will gladly share their skills with you, which you can learn so much from. In this day and age, it’s so easy to educate yourself. There are so many learning platforms on the world wide web, just a few taps away from you. A recommendation if you’re bored or you truly want to study visit the website futurelearn.com they have loads of short classes for free online (from biology to maths and business). Or watch YouTube videos or listen to podcasts. You can learn something from everyone and everything.

To be completely honest, I don’t think that anyone ever stops learning. It’s impossible to escape learning.

“Once you stop learning, you start dying.”

Albert Einstein

Everyone you’ll ever meet knows something you don’t. You can learn so much from a simple conversation with your friends. All you have to do is listen actively. Don’t just listen with one ear give them your full attention and you’ll discover so much. You’ll be surprised how much you can uncover about yourself only by listening to other peoples stories. With some, you’ll feel empathy, and with others, you’ll disagree and that my dear friend is how you broaden your horizon – how you find yourself. 

Without realising it, you’re drawn to learning – Newton called it gravity – Piaget called it curiosity. I call it life. Amen.

see you next time

anita

welcome – willkommen

Hey everybody! My name is Anita I’m 19 years old (or young however you’d like to see it) and originally from Austria. I’ve been living in London since March 2019 as an Au Pair with my wonderful host family.

This blog will be dedicated to my life – meaning I will share with you pretty much everything interesting that life throws at me. For instance, my crazy love for London and my life as an Au Pair (maybe some tips & tricks).

I’ve always been a “very creative” human being – from coming up with plays, singing and dancing all the time to writing and drawing as well as trying to imagine the Big Bang and the development of our universe. Therefore, people also describe me as (relatively) divers, meaning don’t be surprised if I all of a sudden write about an unexpected topic (just a little warning on the sidelines). If I’m already being honest, my posts might be quite jumpy as I’m not going to plan them instead I’m just going to type type type and type some more.

To be up to date with my life (sounds more interesting than it is) follow me on Instagram @anitaklos_ as I post stories on a somewhat regular basis.

see you next time

anita