I am …

Life is confusing. Your 20’s are confusing.
Or maybe I am just confused.

I love life, but it annoys me at times. So bare with me; I’ll make sense sometime later on.
Basically, I enjoy spending time with my friends, being alone, doing the things I love and walking around the city I really genuinely love. I do all these things regularly, but I don’t feel fulfilled or happy.

Two years ago, I felt like I was finally in touch with myself, and I felt amazing. I was super happy, confident and just in love with my life and myself. Now, on the other hand, I feel blah. I don’t love or maybe even like myself – although I haven’t really changed. But, of course, circumstances have changed, and my body has changed numerous times – from losing and gaining weight on repeat.

I am not satisfied with myself. Therefore, I have a hard time supporting and uplifting the people around me, which ultimately gives me the greatest joy. (sounds like I should have become a therapist after all). Anyway. I want to be myself again. I want to feel like myself again. I want to love myself again.

I know self-love is a journey been there done that. But I didn’t believe or dared to even think that I could lose the love for myself. I fell out of love with myself, which, let me tell you – sucks. I’d like to say of myself that I’m very self-aware -which I still believe I am. However, I don’t understand how I could be self-aware and yet still go down this road of falling “out of love” with myself. I’m not sure how it happened. I do have a few ideas which I’m not going to share publicly because that is a very personal issue, but let’s move on. Maybe the point is not to focus on how I got here but instead just get myself the fuck out of here. sighs out of relief

Alright, well, how am I going to do it? I don’t fucking know. It’s not that I have neglected my passions, so I can’t just pick those up and tadaa, and I’ll be happy again. No. I’ll have to dig deeper than that. I want to be joyful, I really do, but I have no motivation to “dig deeper”. Because let’s be honest, that sounds like a lot of work.

I’m going, to be honest with you. (Like I haven’t been honest with you this whole post, but whatever). I am in a toxic place, not physically but most definitely mentally. I keep reminiscing like a boomer on” the good old days”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s OK to do so in a sense, but I should probably just do something about the days that are happening right now instead of dwelling in the past. Because let’s be real, that’s just a huge waste of my time.

So I guess I’m going to start trying new things, new experiences, challenges and whatever. Hopefully, one of them will get me back to the place of self-love I so desperately grave.

I am 21. I am not old. I am not super young. I am not experienced. I am not inexperienced. I am just confused.

WOMEN

If you wanna hear what I have to say but don’t want to read it this post is now available as a podcast episode: https://open.spotify.com/show/5pP5lIQD962EdtqikcHeCc

Happy belated international women’s day!

I think it’s clear that we, as women, are all still struggling. No matter what we do, no matter what we say, it is never as good as something a man says or does. Just yesterday, I had a somewhat awkward situation with a so-called man. First things first, I’d like to clarify that not all men are stupid and disrespectful towards women. Anyway, back to my unpleasant experience. 

We’ve all encountered them before people on the street who are trying to make you donate to a charity. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against them – at all. Of course, they can be rather annoying with their persistence, but that’s not the point today. So this guy ran over from across the street to talk to me. (side note I was wearing earphones; don’t stop someone if they’re wearing headphones) I’m relatively nice, so I stopped and told him that I was already approached by one of them and told him, “no, sorry, not today”. Usually, that works, and they just wish me a nice day and move on – not this time. He was very persistent and tried to still convince me, which I understand’s his job, but then this happened. As always, I was asked, “Are you even over 20?”. By my mistake, I said yes. As soon as I said that, he moved in front of me, looked me up and down and said: “no, you’re not”. Once again, I said, “yes, I am.” (hoping that he would leave me alone, but no). He just repeated himself and was like, “no, you’re not”. Trust me, I get how it’s supposed to be flattering if someone tells you that you look younger than you are, but that’s not how you do it. The way he did it – it was just to objectify me.

It doesn’t stop there, my friends. After repeatedly saying that I’m not interested in donating, he just asked me another question – “What do you study?”. Again another mistake of mine – I responded instead of just walking away. So I answered with “Business Management”, and he was like “, Oh, I am sorry that it must be hard for you”. It was obvious that he was insinuating that it was hard for me because I am a woman. To his surprise, I disagreed with him. At this point, I was getting severely annoyed. No one tells me how being a female affects my work negatively – no one. 

So I looked him right into his eyes and said, “That’s not how you make a sale”. It was clear that he was not used to a woman disagreeing with him. He started stuttering and said, “I know, but I still do it”. After that, I just walked away. It took me way too long to get out of this unpleasant “conversation”. Keep in mind, the conversation was only about 90 seconds long.

The further I was walking, the madder I got. Not just with him also with myself. I could have put him in his place and educate him about his unacceptable behaviour, but I didn’t. I didn’t do it for two reasons. First of all, I was kind of in shock by his audacity. Because of that, I couldn’t think straight and wouldn’t have communicated it clearly to him. On the other hand, I didn’t want to involve myself any more; it was enough for me. 

I’m sure he’s still out asking for donations, so I decided to ask for his superior and report him if I see him again. A tip to all women ask for the full name and organisation they’re working for before you leave – learn from my mistake. To be honest, although I’d love to personally teach him a lesson, I don’t think it would have a significant impact on him. I’m very aware that sometimes the “superior” method doesn’t work either, but it will still have a more significant effect on him. 

Unfortunately, this is just one of many discriminating and sexist experiences that I have. I’ll share a few more in the future. If you have similar experiences, please do reach out and share them. We can all women AND men learn something from other peoples experiences. 

Especially now, I think we must keep the conversation going so men (guilty or not) are aware of their actions and how they affect us women daily. 

If you would like to share your story message on Instagram @anitaklos_ or send me an e-mail at anitaklos@gmx.at. Don’t be shy; your name can be kept anonymous, and I will only share it publicly if you want to. 

IG: @designartanita

I hope you’re all fine, healthy and safe (from covid and men).

Anita

Time for an Update

It’s been a while. The last year has been one hell of a ride. Strangely enough, it has felt like five years in one but nevertheless very short. Nothing exhilarating happened while on the other hand so much has happened. It was and is a confusing time for all of us. For now, I just want to share what happened in my life since Covid-19 came about. 

Like many, I made fun of Corona and how people apparently didn’t know how to wash their hands. “It’s like having the flu – no big deal.” At this point, I’m not sure if we’re using humour to avoid the topic or if we’re serious. February was an awkward time we knew the virus was out and about, but we tried to live our lives to the fullest. The feeling of lockdown approaching was getting more serious every day, and then the day came. Game over. No more going out and seeing your friends. At first, I was hopeful that it wouldn’t last long and that we could have our lives back by May or so. Therefore, I wasn’t super upset about the situation. Anyway, I tried to make the best out of it. I called my friends every other day, worked out, went for walks, drew and read a lot. 

Day before moving

After a couple of weeks, it was clear that Corona would stick around for much longer than anticipated. At that point, I was still living with my host family, who I love very dearly, but as time passed the urge to move-out got bigger. So I made the decision to move out during the pandemic. It was quite the experience with online viewings and etc. I was really pumped once I found a house share and was ready to move. So at the beginning of June, I moved out. Although saying goodbye wasn’t easy, I was really excited – I was full of adrenaline. It felt good to be around people my age and not kids or middle-aged adults. After months of suspense, I could finally hug my friends again. It felt like I could finally, take a deep breath again. 

A few weeks later I flew back to Austria to visit my family, who I haven’t seen for seven months due to the pandemic. I felt so relieved when I saw my whole family happy and healthy (felt kind of magical). 

I have to admit the pandemic did have one significant side effect. If it wouldn’t have been for the lockdown my now boyfriend and I would have probably beat around the bush for a few more months. It “forced” us to spend more time with each other, and we ultimately couldn’t escape one another anymore. So during the summer months, we spent a lot of days just going on walks and enjoying the mild English sun. We both didn’t really have a plan since no matter what plan you made, it got cancelled anyway. 

In October I started studying at university (again). However, a much more interesting event occurred in the same month. Unfortunately, my grandma got sick (she’s fine now, dw). Hence I decided to go back to Austria for a few months, and to my surprise, Marlon (my boyfriend) was ready to come with me. For the last few months, we’ve been living in Austria figuring out what we’ll do once we go back to the UK. 

To be honest, I had a hard time staying positive in the second and third lockdown. Although everything was fine with my family and friends, I was and still am struggling. The end of Corona is unknown, what I’ll do once I’m back in the UK is unknown. The great unknown took a toll on me. At the moment, I am trying to take everything in one day at a time. (journaling really helps) One of my goals for this year is to be more patient with myself and giving myself more time to make decisions, so cheers to a thoughtful year (or something like that). I am actually looking forward to 2021 because I’m sure even with the virus around it will still be amazing and filled with unusual experiences.  

I hope you’re all happy and healthy (including your mental health)

Anita

Btw if you’re curious I also started an etsy shop just in case you want to take a look:

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/DesignArtAnita?ref=seller-platform-mcnav

AU PAIR – day in the life

Hello and welcome! Take a seat – enjoy.

Side note: I wrote this about about a year ago but never shared it. Please bare with my writing I was just getting back into it. Although, I no longer work as an Au Pair here is a little glimpse of my life back then. A trip down memory lane when Covid-19 wasn’t a thing yet.

Thankfully, my day doesn’t start (like most Au Pairs) at 7 am with getting the kids ready for school and dropping them off. My “workday” starts around 3 pm when I have to pick E. (9 year old girl) and D. (7 year old boy) up from school. My bag is always filled with snacks simply because D. can eat as much as an elephant and is therefore growing an inch everyday (at least it feels like it). After school we either go to the park where E. is most of the time just reading while D. is racing around on his bike or running around like a mad man. On rainy days we go straight home where we most of the time play whatever they want. Lately, they’ve been really obsessed with table football. Furthermore, board games like Disaster and Monopoly are always a hit. Once a week they should read to me so we’re probably squeezing that in between all the running around and playing the fifth round of Labyrinth. Then from 5.30 pm on they’re allowed to watch TV for an hour. While they’re watching shows like “The next Step” I’m cooking dinner for the whole family (Monday – Thursday). The recipes are quite simple and easy to follow (one of the things I was nervous about before coming here). After serving dinner and cleaning up my workday is already over at 7 pm.

My host parents are very flexible when it comes to babysitting so some weeks I don’t babysit at all while others I do it up to twice per week. Apart from that my only other duty is the kids laundry.

My life as an Au Pair is most of the time very relaxed until the kids decide to scream till the walls are shaking but that thankfully only happens once every blue moon. So I would definitely recommend being an Au Pair to everyone, who would like to experience living abroad with nearly no expenses.

see you next time

anita 

covid entertainment

Hello and welcome! Take a seat – enjoy.

Lockdown – oh how much I hate you. It’s been two months since I last saw someone my age, which is slowly but surely driving me insane. But to be honest, the last two months haven’t been a complete nightmare. Although I’ve been stuck at home like nearly everyone else on this planet, I did find some ways to entertain or keep myself busy. 

  1. Mandalas

Most of you probably already know that I tend to draw Mandals on everything I can get my hands on. My “tiny” obsession actually started about five or six years ago (so yes it’s been quite a while). What the public doesn’t know is that I use Mandalas to slow down my sometimes never-ending racing mind. For me, this kind of drawing is an outlet for relaxation and meditation. So whenever I feel anxious or uncertain about this situation, I grab a pen and some paper and let it all go. 

  1. Clothes

The other day I went through my entire wardrobe trying to figure out what I want to keep and what I want to give away or sell. (it’s a great way to kill a day or two) If you’ve known me for a while, you’d say “her wardrobe is 95% black”. Well, the tables have turned (slightly). As you might have seen on my Instagram, I’m just obsessed with orange lately. From orange jackets, tops, jumpers, shoes and pants I’ve got it all. At the end of the day, all I’m trying to say is that my wardrobe consists of 50% black and 50% colour now. A round of applause for me. 

  1. Youtube

Obviously, we’re all trying to keep ourselves occupied, entertained and educated. So right after Netflix, my first choice is YouTube. There are two channels I can only recommend.

“Soft white underbelly” is an American Interview Channel. (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCvcd0FYi58LwyTQP9LITpA)Mark Laita is questioning people about their lives in Los Angels. Instead of chatting about the glamorous Hollywood life, he interviews Gang members, Prostitutes, Pimps and Drug addicts. You’ll definitely get goosebumps listening to some of these stories. 

The other channel is for my German-speaking readers – “Leeroy wills wissen” (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCDW1yldFKWrfjrr78aP5Nkw) It’s also an interview channel but this time about all sorts of people. For instance a girl with four parents, another girl who can taste colours and people who lived through traumatic experiences. By the way this one is also available on Spotify as a Podcast. (https://open.spotify.com/show/4s7nwkDqLrMPmOdj9Un7BX?si=P0HfvYgxSUqSOfebtSmsmg)

10/10 would recommend.

  1. Walks

Since I moved here, I barely explored the area I live in; I was too busy exploring the more popular areas of London. So over the last eight weeks, I tried to discover some hidden gems around Lewisham. I did find some pretty cool graffitis and some great spots to admire the beautiful skyline of London.

  1. Life after au pairing

Over the last several weeks, I was hunting for a room in London as I’m going to move out of my host family’s house pretty soon. Yes, my Au Pair experience is coming to an end, and it feels exactly how people say. A side of me is crying and heartbroken while the other one couldn’t be more excited. Also looking for a new job during this pandemic is no fun. Nevertheless, I did find a great room on “SpareRoom” (https://www.spareroom.co.uk/), and I’m really looking forward to moving in in a few weeks. 

Okay to be honest this post was just me rambling about random stuff I did over the last two months I hope you still enjoyed it at least a little bit (LOL).

see you next time

anita

when a dream comes true

feels by Kehlani

March 11 2019 – March 11 2020
when a dream becomes reality, your whole life changes

Hello and welcome! Take a seat – enjoy.

Welcome back – it’s been a while. I hope everyone is good and healthy. Just a little warning this post is a bit cheesy and filled with emotions. Basically, I’m explaining how I changed over the past year living in London.

I wanted to move to London since I was about 13 years old. People around me could clearly tell how in love I was and am with this city. Friends and family knew that I was going to move to London at one point. I remember distinctly how I was sitting in Hyde Park with two of my friends in July 2018 and how they told me that they can see me living here and that it would be sooner rather than later. (getting somewhat teary-eyed right now) Who knew I would actually do it eight months later. Hopefully, most of you feel home in your “home countries” – I didn’t. I felt “at home” because of my family and friends not because Austria made me feel “welcome”. London makes me feel at home, and it has from my first ever visit. Let me tell you a little story.

2018 wasn’t my year it was filled with more downs than ups. I was constantly stressed, slightly depressed and just felt like I was in the wrong place. The questions “Who am I?” and “What am I supposed to do?” didn’t leave my mind till December(ish) the same year. Precisely around the time I dropped out of Uni and decided to move to London. The new plan was to find a host family, work as an Au Pair and figure out what I aspire to do – basically taking a delayed gap year. It felt like there was a weight lifted off my shoulders. Even my friends reacted somewhat relieved – they knew I needed this; that I had to be “selfish” for once. Do what’s best for me mentally, emotionally and physically. I’m so appreciative for all the support I got – I couldn’t be more thankful. The amount of love I have for my friends back in Austria is unexplainable. (I’m sorry that I don’t text back faster lol). A special thanks to my Mom. She’s always been supportive, although I tend to change my mind quickly. Of course, a big thank you to my Dad, who has never questioned my decisions and continues to put his full trust in me. Also, thanks to my Grandma who’s always on my side and never fails to make me smile.

From the age of 14 to 18/19 without realising, I changed my behaviour according to the people around me. Dressed similar to them, started talking like them and so on and on. I was (still am) growing up so to a certain amount, it was normal. Nevertheless, I completely stopped “copying and adjusting” the moment my plane landed. It was a fresh start, so the perfect time to show my “true colours” – my true self. Sometimes a restart is crucial to leave unnecessary bullsh*t behind.
So much has happened over the last year so many great memories so many amazing new friends. I got back into all sorts of creative arts – from drawing to editing to “singing” and duh writing. There is no time in my life where I didn’t write down how I felt. Never in the style of a diary though. The amount of poems I have hidden somewhere in the back of my desk is ridiculous. Yes, surprise, she writes poetry. London has thrown opportunities at me, which included all my favourite arts which I’m beyond grateful for. The fact that I was able to dive deeper into all my hobbies during this time leaves me speechless. The last 12 months have been filled with ups and minimal downs. My mindset has switched from slightly negative to positive – feels like I’m finally breathing fresh, clean air (rather funny as the London air is so polluted).
A couple of the best moments include friends (new and old) telling me how they can sense how happy and confident I have become. So beautiful that people around me can recognise that moving to London has been the best decision I could have possibly made. I lost touch with a couple of people since my “big move”; however, it also strengthened other friendships. To certain friends I feel closer now, although hundreds of miles are separating us (I know I’m cheesy).
This past year wouldn’t have been the same without my “cheeky stalkers”, “sombrero queen”, “wifey” and so many other wonderful people. Each one of you has had a significant impact on me and made London feel even more like home. Thank you.

London brought out the real me. It gave me the courage to be myself, unapologetically. Every soul I met here made me either more self-confident or self-aware. Every person and everything that happened has been a lesson to me this past year. Although, off days have been rare every day was a “me” day. I focused on myself like never before. I distanced myself from characters that gave me a bad feeling immediately and pulled people with radiating energy closer. Overall I can proudly say that I’m a better person today than I was a year ago. I’m in a better place mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s thanks to London, which made me feel homely and comfortable from day one. Thanks to London, I’m meeting people from all around the world with the same mindset as me.

The biggest lesson I learnt was if you don’t feel comfortable or secure in your environment change it. Discomfort will hinder you from being the best version of yourself. It’s your life so please take it in your own hands. Please don’t wait for anyone to cheer you up (it’s not going to happen).

My London journey just started, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me: one year down and many more to go.

see you next time

anita

body image & self love part 2

beautiful people by Ed Sheeran feat. Khalid

Hello and welcome! Take a seat – enjoy.

Since I posted the first part numerous questions about body image and self-love found their way to me. One of those questions was why I share my story – what makes me interesting enough to tell my evolution. In no way do I believe that my life is more interesting or exciting than others. Nevertheless, I write my thoughts about my journey down, not just to make it public or “whatever” – no. I’m writing this chapter so I can leave “self-doubting Anita” behind and move on. As cliche as it sounds, I write so people, especially girls, realise their not alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Apart from that, I share my thoughts so you can get an insight look of someone else’s mind and open your mind inch by inch. Everything in life is a learning process from the moment you take your first breath – you’re learning. I’m not here to teach or preach; instead, my goal is to start a conversation about topics we feel uncomfortable about or usually ignore. Make you connect points you normally wouldn’t even consider. Now let’s move on to the actual item.

There is one Pinterest quote in particular that really got me thinking – “ignore what other people say”. Don’t get me wrong if it’s unnecessary hate comments please ignore them and for your own sake cut those commentators out of your life immediately. On the other hand, don’t just brush it off if someone gives you a compliment about your personality or look. Unfortunately, I have a couple of friends that can’t handle compliments although they deserve every little praise. Once you stop trying to convince the other person that you don’t deserve the admiration but instead thank them your subconscious will at point start believing it. Which, as a result, makes you feel beautiful inside and out. Some people use mantras and tell themselves, for instance, every morning “I’m beautiful – I’m loved”. Might sound silly to some and like the best idea ever to others. Self-love is all about finding what works for you. Although during this process, you should focus on yourself and be aware of your environment. If you’re as fortunate as I’m, you’ll have loving and encouraging friends surrounding you. Is this the case, concentrate on how they’re treating you with affection and respect. You’ll recognise that there is no reason not to love yourself – if other people can love you what prevents you from doing the same?

To be completely honest, I had to move to London to be 100% myself. I was “selfish” – I left everyone I care and love so profoundly behind in Austria to find the love of my life – myself. Just after a couple of weeks, I was unapologetically me. I didn’t notice that me being me had an impact on others till a dear friend of mine mentioned it. Because I was myself, I made her feel like she could open up to me, be vulnerable and simply herself. Let me tell you, making someone else feel like they can be themselves around you no matter what feels even better than loving yourself. When she told me I was so proud of myself because I could make someone feel the same way as London makes me feel. Even just thinking back to this moment warms my heart. What I actually wanted to say with this paragraph though is – sometimes you have to be “selfish” just to stay sane and true to yourself. If you need a break, take a break. If you want to be alone for a while – go for it.

see you next time

anita

learning

Hello and welcome! Take a seat – enjoy.

Two and half weeks later and I’m back. To be honest I wanted to post the part 2 of my series of “Body image & self-love”. But I simply wasn’t satisfied with it so I’m still working on it. Nevertheless here is a new post.

Somewhat of a random blog post but an important one. Little background story: over the last months, I’ve met some many people in their gap year or people who decided to start working instead of studying. To my surprise, a lot of them said that they miss learning. You’re probably thinking “how the hell could someone miss learning – it’s just annoying”. That wasn’t at all what I was considering. That wasn’t the reason why I was in “shock”. 

I couldn’t believe that someone could miss learning although they’re living in a different country, where the national language wasn’t their mother tongue. I was thinking to myself, are these people walking with closed eyes and ears shut through their lives? Especially in a capital like London, it’s unlikely not to learn anything. Around every corner, you can spot a different culture which is as rich as the Queen herself. A walk around Shoreditch and you’ll meet so many unbelievably talented and creative people who will love to share their experience with you. All it takes is a bit of courage to go up to them and ask them. Even most street performers will gladly share their skills with you, which you can learn so much from. In this day and age, it’s so easy to educate yourself. There are so many learning platforms on the world wide web, just a few taps away from you. A recommendation if you’re bored or you truly want to study visit the website futurelearn.com they have loads of short classes for free online (from biology to maths and business). Or watch YouTube videos or listen to podcasts. You can learn something from everyone and everything.

To be completely honest, I don’t think that anyone ever stops learning. It’s impossible to escape learning.

“Once you stop learning, you start dying.”

Albert Einstein

Everyone you’ll ever meet knows something you don’t. You can learn so much from a simple conversation with your friends. All you have to do is listen actively. Don’t just listen with one ear give them your full attention and you’ll discover so much. You’ll be surprised how much you can uncover about yourself only by listening to other peoples stories. With some, you’ll feel empathy, and with others, you’ll disagree and that my dear friend is how you broaden your horizon – how you find yourself. 

Without realising it, you’re drawn to learning – Newton called it gravity – Piaget called it curiosity. I call it life. Amen.

see you next time

anita

new country – new friends

F R I E N D S – “I’ll be there for you” by The Rembrandts

Hello and welcome my dear friends! Take a seat – enjoy.

Moving to a new city and or country isn’t like riding a bike at least not for most people. Although it was quite easy for me simply because excitement took over sadness or fear, there were a few “hardships”.

First things first I’m deeply in love with London for over six years now; therefore, I’ve been to London quite a few times before I bought my one-way ticket. So I knew my way around town and didn’t feel completely lost. Apart from that (not to brag but still) for me, there was no such thing as a language barrier. I’ve been learning English for years, and it was as a matter of fact never really difficult for me. My love for the UK made it quite effortless.

Furthermore, I already had some friends living in London from previous trips or family friends. Sounds all very “privileged” and relaxed. To be honest, it was and is. However, most of my friends were guys, and as much as I care about them and trust them, I didn’t necessarily want to talk to them about, for example, period cramps. So it was time to meet some girls — time to make some new friends.

Some people have absolutely no problem finding friends while others are really struggling. It’s obviously easier for extroverts than introverts because you have to put yourself out there and might have to escape some of your comfort zones. London is thankfully a huge city, so you will definitely find someone whose mind is set the same as yours.

“Can you finally tell us how to make friends?” (lol) Sure here we go. As an Au Pair, you can use the app “AuPairs UK” which is basically a dating app for Au Pairs. If you’re a “normal person” you could use the app “Bumble” which is not only designed for finding dates but also for networking and making friends. Works fairly easy as you just swipe right or left. Apart from that, you can find loads of Facebook groups for London “Newbies” or Au Pairs. I’m sure you could find Facebook groups no matter where you are moving to or living. Most of the time, you can find organised events in these groups to meet people. It might be awkward at first meeting so many strangers, but after a while, you get used to constantly being on a “first date”.

One of the “hardships” which basically comes with being an Au Pair is that people will come and go as they’re probably moving home at one point. It’s sad to admit, but on some level, you get used to saying goodbye or at least see you later. It doesn’t get any easier; however, it becomes a sort of routine. Apart from that, most people know that you and they are only here for a specific amount of time. So you kind of push years of friendship and trust in a couple of months. Those friendships are so different from the ones you have in your home country but just as beautiful. So much cheese – somebody please stop me.

“When one door closes, another one opens.”

Alexander Graham Bell

It’s true. Although you say bye to many people during this still incredible journey, you’re also saying hey to so many new people in your life, which is absolutely amazing. You might end up being super close with a couple of them so enjoy the ride.

Hopefully, this post was at least a little bit helpful or informative for you.

see you next time

anita

my favourite french (speaking) Au Pair girls

body image & self love part 1

Hello and welcome! Take a seat – enjoy. Grab a cup of coffee or a glass of champagne on this rainy Friday in London.

Body image and self love are relatively controversial topics, therefore maybe not the best topics for a new blogger. But they’ve been on my mind quite often the last few days so why not start with a “BANG”. These topics are going to be a series otherwise this post would be way too long. Today I’m just going to write about my experience.

Just like a lot of other girls I grew up not caring about how I looked like till I hit those teenage years. I was never a “skinny” girl – I never looked like the other “pretty” girls. I’m short that’s a known fact so besides wanting to be skinnier I wanted to be taller. I was chubby, I still am but nowadays people call it “thicc” for some reason.

Thankfully, my weight was never really unhealthy – at least not for my body my mind, on the other hand, struggled a bit. At the time thigh gaps and bikini bridges were trendy and not curves. I was far away from both ideals so I got mildly “depressed”. I rarely left my house anymore because of my confidence simply being non existent. After a while, my confidence slowly but surely came back as the trend of thigh gaps started to move in the background. All of a sudden the Kardashians were in the spotlight with all their curves. 

To be honest from then on I didn’t have the urge anymore to look like any of these trends or body ideals. Took me some time to realise that I don’t have to look the exact way as the woman on the cover page of some random magazine. It was probably around the time I turned 16 when I started to fall in love with every inch and pound of mine. I wasn’t exercising to change my appearance. I kept moving so I would stay healthy. #healthyisthenewsexy

I’m not perfect & I’m not trying to be which is exactly why I’m so incredibly happy

When I stepped on the scale again in March 2019 after probably years I was shocked. People in my life told me I looked “healthier” and like I lost a bit of weight and to be honest I thought the same. As it turned out I gained around ten pounds. Although I knew that muscles way more than fat I was upset and sad for a whole day. What a waste of time. Sounds silly but numbers can be scary and frustrating but at the end of the day they don’t define who you are or who I am. It’s just a number – nothing to be afraid of. It’s like a mantra you have to say it loads of times till you start believing it.

Right now I feel great in my body and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I “exercise” nearly every day in order to stay healthy and happy. In no shape or form do I reflect a trendy figure but to be brutally honest I couldn’t care less. 

To me, beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.

Ellen Degeneres

“Grown-ups” and “Books about puberty,” said “it will get better once you’re older” and for once they were right. 

Hope you enjoyed this first part at least a tiny bit.

see you next time

anita